A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium . . .he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!" "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


.....Men

 

One night a couple were lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

 

A man goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have 4 kids, have 11 grandchildren, and last night, I had an affair with an 18 year old girl and slept with her, more than once!!!"
The priest then said to the old man, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
"Never Father, I'm not Catholic," replied the man.
"So then why are you telling me this?" asked the priest.
"Well," began the man, "I'm telling everyone!!!

 

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and say's 'I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play'. The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and say's to the guy and his octopus, 'now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars'.
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says 'What are you pissing around for ? Hurry up and play the damn thing !'
The octopus says 'Play it ? If I can work out how to get it's pyjama's off I'm gonna screw it !'

 

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."
Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."

 

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks he notices that none of them are getting pregnant, and calls a vet to help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up, and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out to the woods where no-one can see, and has sex with them all, then brings them back to the farm, and goes to bed.
Next morning he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that his first try didn't take, and loads them back into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods again, bangs them all twice for good measure, brings them back again and goes to sleep.
Next morning he wakes again to find the pigs still standing around. "One more try" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them all up again and drive out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed.
The next morning, he cant even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out, and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
She says "No, they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

 

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

 

quik u must be bored?