One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.


.......................Muhahahaha

 

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was the time of year to service the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George! One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am........."

 

Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two 'clock, last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste so good. After the final beer, he gets up from his stool and immediately falls on the floor. He tries to get up, but again he falls. He knew he had had one, perhaps a few, too many, but... after several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.
At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So very, very carefully he crawls inside to his bed and very quietly slips under the covers without waking his wife.
The next morning his wife asks him furiously. "Were you drunk again last night" ? Danny boy is surprised he got caught and asks her how she knew.
"They just called from the bar. You left your wheelchair there."

 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

 

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

 

One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap.
Father Jack decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue.
The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's dick. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's" she exclaims "I got a bar of soap".
The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's dick and he drops the other bar of soap ''my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it.
The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's dick, "my God this is amazing "she says, "I got liquid hand soap!!

 

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet, but after looking around she realized all the pets were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there was something he could help her with.
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all yours are so expensive!"
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a frog??" said the woman.
"It's a special frog. It gives blowjobs."
The woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy.
The woman goes to bed, but around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and gets to the kitchen to see her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?"
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!"

 

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised first dater.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"

 

Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope:

 

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.