Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a LOT!"

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in a bar in Arkansas.
He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says" I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, " You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"

 

A blonde goes into a store and says to the cashier, "May I buy this TV?"
The cashier replies, "No, I don't sell to blondes."
So the next day she dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store.
"May I buy this TV?" she asks the same cashier that was working the day before.
"I told you, I don't sell to blondes." he says.
"How did you know I was a blonde?" she asks.
He answers, "Because that's a microwave."

 

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"
"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"

 

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Under way, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.
"The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model. "Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.
"The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he say she'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?
"The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."

 

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill her up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is dat?" he asks, "I never seen one like it befer."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this my boy is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "thata be something."
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"Thata be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.
"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything.

 

A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now passing over the Grand Canyon. He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine.
The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed."
The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen them all!"

 

haha!! Them kept me busy for awile!! I really liked the court one!

 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long."

 

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: