In a crowded city at a bus stop, a gorgeous young woman
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini-skirt. As the bus
stopped & it was her turn to get aboard, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step.
Slightly embarrassed, & with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her & unzipped her skirt a little - thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to
make the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
A little more embarrassed she again reached behind, unzipped her skirt
a little more, & for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg enough to reach the step. With
a small smile to the driver she once again reached behind to unzip a little
more, but still was unable to reach the step. About this time, a tall
Texan who was standing directly behind her picked her up easily by the waist,
& placed her gently on the bus. She went ballistic, and turning on the would-be samaritan , yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!". The Texan smiled & drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with ya, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".

 

 

 

haha, funny

 

One day at school, Tony was complaining that he hated school so much. His teacher told the class that if they wanted to leave so bad, then she would ask them one question each day for the rest of the week. If they got one right, they were free to go for the rest of the year.
The next day at school, Tony's teacher asked him, "How many grains of sand are there on Murtle Beach?"
Tony was mad, but decided that maybe the next day the question would not be as unfair.
The next question was, "How many stars are there?"
Now Tony was really mad. He went home and got an envelope and put two large black marbles in it. The next day, his teacher announced, "Its time for today

 

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

 

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian plunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

 

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: Three more beers !

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A couple more from Rita Rudner:

 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: <look of disbelief>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: <total look of amazement>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "THE SHEEP

 

ball biting....ouch!