Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

another one for RB:
(an old one but a good one)
In an interview with Gennifer Flowers, when asked if she had the same type of relationship with Bill Clinton as Monica Lewinsky did, she replied, 'It was close, but no cigar!!'

 

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

 

Great ones, Ninh! (You can call me George.)

 

 

A Republican and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the republican his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.

"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the Republican and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.

St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a Republican and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???"

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first Republican ever to make it up here."

 

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it! So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, what do you have in it?" The blond replied"two popsicles and some coffee."

 

 

another blond and thermos story:

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the blackdildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I wasgone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"

 

Here's another one"

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."