AquilaEagle

.... of Hangovers

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still able
to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of
water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are
craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but
you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee
you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all
you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly
surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space
cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic
friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better
right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke
watching Richard & Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might throw up. Your boss has already lambasted
you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You
wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either missed an
oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the dodgems, depending on your gender. Your teeth have sweaters,
your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a
reject from the class picture from secondary school circa 1976. You would
give a weeks pay for one the following -
* Home time
* A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
* A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the
night before.

5 star hangover *****

[aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell] You have a second heartbeat in your
head which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka
vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the
moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss
doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just
died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick
because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

The Raptor

6 Star Hangover******

Overwhelming feeling of impending doom.

7 Star Hangover*******

You wake up still drunk.

8 Star Hangover********

You wake up in jail.

9 Star Hangover*********

You wake up in the emergency room.

10 Star Hangover**********

You wake up in the emergency room with a priest reading you the last rites.