The Doc says....


Ahhh, a most valid question...

The answer to this age old question is surprisingly clear, and often overlooked.
Throughout the centuries, mankind has often sought the company of his own. History dictates that as far back as the Roman Empire, even further, Society had already began to split into two sub-societies. No, I know what you're thinking, it WAS NOT the rich and the poor, but the intelligent and the stupid. The rich were not always intelligent, and the intelligent were not always rich. But it is safe to say that the stupid outnumbered the intelligent by as many as 658:1 in some periods. With sociological odds as this to compete with, it was once believed that the intelligent species would die off, giving way to a newer, more stupid breed of man...we'll call him, sub-man. Fighting against all odds, the intelligent were barely able to avoid extinction, due to fleeing into ships and tree-houses located deep in the South Pacific, and Amazon Rain forrest respectively. After centuries of watching sub-mankind evolve into everyday man (with genial links to pure sub-man), the intelligent finally decided to come from hiding and attempt to prosper as their reptillian-like ancestors. So in 1968, during the Nixon administration, the intelligent tried to flood the population, only to fail once again. The result was a bastard half-breed man comprised of 92% stupid-man and 8% intelligent-man. Today this hideous mongoloid crossbreed is what populates the majority of the planet. The purely intelligent are sought out, and fed upon in great numbers. This will be how things go until the intelligent hide in the hills once more, or the species is obliterated by mass feedings, leaving only stupid-man to roam the earth.


+ =

+ =

+ + =

 

What is the air speed velocity of a swallow?

 

What is + ?

 

The Doc says...

Your question perplexes me....

'air speed' & 'velocity' are like terms, and therefore should not be used in conjunction with one another. Instead, I would suggest the use of the term 'air velocity' or just 'velocity' when asking the projected maximum rate of forward aerial progress for a swallow.

That being said...


The maximum aerial velocity of a swallow varies in many, if not all cases. In general, a swallow is not a large bird, so weight and atmospheric resistance should be at a minimum, however, a SMALL swallow, could have the potential for an even greater aerial velocity due to its lower resistance to atmosphere and gravity. This would also apply to the vertical velocity, when Newtons' law is considered. Less we forget, though, that a LARGER swallow, could have potential for higher speed through greater muscle-mass, thus being able to transfer air across its wings at a higher rate, ultimately obtaining a higher horizontal velocity through greater propulsion capability. The critical factor here is the approach angle of the swallow. While a SMALLER swallow would have the advantage during a sustained climbing maneuver, a LARGER swallow would most likely prevail while performing a diving maneuver.

Finally, once size, weight, trajectory, muscle mass, and atmospheric conditions are factored, one must account for the swallows' geographical location. This is a gray area. One could argue that a swallow inside the cockpit of an F-14D super tomcat could achieve more that twice the speed of sound (mach 2+) while the aircraft is in flight. This scenario is highly unlikely due to the swallow's lack of opposable thumbs, rendering him/her unable to maintain controlled flight at any speed, let alone see over the instrument panel.

Since there are many variables involved, I will give you the different maximum horizontal and vertcal velocities:

-small swallow (< 7.246 oz): -8MPH vertical/ 17MPH horizontal
-large swallow (> 7.247 oz): -6MPH vertical/ 89MPH horizontal
-swallow flying F-14D Tomcat -mach 2+
-swallow being chased by well-fed
house cat: - N/A*
-swallow smashed on front fairing of S2000 - 150MPH (electronically limited)
-dead swallow falling off radar tower - terminal velocity (accelerating at 32/sec/sec)
-swallow in giant bird cage at mall - 2MPH (sheltered life causing disorientated flight)



* well fed house cat not motivated to actually catch swallow, knows meal is inevitable. Also cats can't fly, making escape predictably easy for swallow.

 

The Doc says...

Simple...
in a scientificly moderated environment, + .


However...
one must remember that in a NON-scientifically moderated environment, + often equates to a disasterous


Modern science has been able to prove this theory over and over, thus making it fact.

 

Have you ever considered writing for the onion?

 

the Doc says:

unfortunately, no.

Due to looming time constraints on creative outflow, consistent documentation of fact and theory would be at a bare minimum. Wife, family, pets, career, house, other house, car, truck, travel, and leisure all seem to interfere with my real true-love... authoring erroneous satire. Fortunately, the aforementioned rarely converge in groups larger than two at a time, thus permitting me limited interludes with my internet mistress, the Juliet to my Romeo, the Trixie to my Speed Racer, the Loni to my Burt, the Mick Jagger to my David Bowie...or maybe the David Bowie to my Mick Jagger... or was Freddy Mercury jr in there as well? Anyway, I thank you for what I consider to be a flattering compliment, and I shall try my best to carry on the tradition of 'ask the Doc'.

 

Would that be an African or a European swallow??

 

Ohhh............


I don't know.




Arrrrrrgggggggg..................

 

That would depend on how hard you swallow, I would think?