Totally OT.. but who cares.
01-23-2007, 10:13 AM
#13
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Originally Posted by beanolo,Jan 23 2007, 08:44 AM
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
01-23-2007, 10:26 AM
#15
Registered User
Originally Posted by RedlinedITR,Jan 22 2007, 10:39 PM
This one's called The Good Husband.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol
at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 AM., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . PRICELESS
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol
at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 AM., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . PRICELESS
01-23-2007, 12:00 PM
#16
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A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good, but there were still two more floors.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and straight."
The women seem pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good, but there were still two more floors.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and straight."
The women seem pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."
01-23-2007, 12:46 PM
#18
Moderator
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
The bear leans over and tells the bartender, "Listen, I'm 9-foot-at-the-shoulder Brown Bear, give me a fn' beer."
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
The bear, indignant, starts talking louder, "PAL, BUDDY, give me a F'n beer. I'm a F'n bear. . . . you see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a F'n beer RIGHT NOW, I'll eat that woman in two bites!!!"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
By this point, the bear was tired of his own threats, walks on over, mauls the woman and eats her in two bites. As he's picking his teeth with what's left of her middle finger, he asks, calmly, "Now, are you going to give me a beer?"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. . . and don't do drugs."
"Don't Do Drugs?" replies the bear.
"That woman at the end of the bar. . . that was a Barbituate."
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
The bear leans over and tells the bartender, "Listen, I'm 9-foot-at-the-shoulder Brown Bear, give me a fn' beer."
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
The bear, indignant, starts talking louder, "PAL, BUDDY, give me a F'n beer. I'm a F'n bear. . . . you see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a F'n beer RIGHT NOW, I'll eat that woman in two bites!!!"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
By this point, the bear was tired of his own threats, walks on over, mauls the woman and eats her in two bites. As he's picking his teeth with what's left of her middle finger, he asks, calmly, "Now, are you going to give me a beer?"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. . . and don't do drugs."
"Don't Do Drugs?" replies the bear.
"That woman at the end of the bar. . . that was a Barbituate."
01-23-2007, 12:48 PM
#19
Moderator
Originally Posted by gpwuster,Jan 23 2007, 01:45 PM
I think this is more true for men than women... just look around... 
Welcome to Man Jose.
Ladies! The odds are good, but the goods are odd. Enjoy!
