Quick Silver

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using
a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore
because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty
germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your
nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutan t freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked w ith a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my
car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....****

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

Got me TOO. . . .*

evoentertainment

lol...someone is bored.

s2khac

lol, I was expecting that there's a line saying "I can't no longer sending out email..." after the "If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people..."

Sfkn2

My hand was on the down arrow button.

yamez

mine was at page down.

Quick Silver

OK, I admit it I was bored, bored, bored......
But eventhough you had your hand on the page down button,
you still got it.

Voodoo_S2K

Joke belong in the joke thread.