Quick Silver

Divine directions

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you
and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss
her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So
the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her
to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a
'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam
went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that
was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What
is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two
seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

Quick Silver

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,' Dad dy,
look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said,
' Dad dy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the
bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

Quick Silver

Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she
has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the 5,000. She gives him back his 5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money He'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly Population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

Quick Silver

What is a 710 knob?

A few days ago I was standing at our parts counter.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know,
the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and
I need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly
what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The counterman gave her a piece of paper and a pen and
asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a
circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710
on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is, CLICK HERE.

Quick Silver

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait
to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.
I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and
showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from
12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...
they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long,
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer
in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing
snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going
anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

so he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

Quick Silver

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a

well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed

wide open.. 'Don 't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse

manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a Fricking good

appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
broke do you not understand?

Quick Silver

A Little Austrian Town Named F***ING

The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign posted as you enter
the Town of F***ing!

Germans not amused
LONDON: (AFP) British tourist have left the residents of one charming Austrian
village effing and blinding by cosstantly stealing the signs for their oddly named
village.
While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of F***ing are failing
to see the funny side.
Only one kind of criminal ever stalks the sleepy 32 house village near Salzburg
on the German border - cheeky British tourist armed with a sense of humor and
a screwdriver.
But the local authorities are hitting back and with the signs now set in concrete,
police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout.
"We will not stand for the F***ing signs being removed," the officer said.
"It may be very amusing for you British, but F***ing is simply F***ing to us.
What is this big F***ing joke? It is puerile."
Local tourist guide Andreas Rehmueller said it was only the British that had a
fixation with F***ing.
"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he explained.
"Every American seems to care only abouth The Sound of Music (the 1965 film
shot around Salzburg).
The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birth place in Brauman.
"But for the British, It's all about F***ing"
Guesthouse manager Augustina Lindlbauer described the villages's breathtaking
lakes, forests and vistas.
"Yet still there is this obsession with F***ing," she said.
"Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no
F***ing postcards."

Are the residents called F***ers?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the F***ing High School?

Does the F***ing Hospital help you with anything else?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your F***ing friend.

NOW YOU CAN TELL THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE F***ING TOWN.

Quick Silver

Inventions

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed
the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam,
the first man." So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of
the woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much.

4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial
supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed,
but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention
than yours."

Quick Silver

The Drunk and The Blonde....!

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blond a
few seats down from him.
A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off her breasts.
This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk
jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning.
"how come you let the bartender do it?" he asks the blonde?

She answers: "Because he has got-------


Can you try and guess her answer?
Even if you don't, you're gonna love this-----

















A LICKER LICENSE!

Quick Silver

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must
be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at th e same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~ 20 *~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach any of your male
friends in the future they will be in Guam !!!!!!