AP1NYT

Not so much a joke but still pretty funny.

Happy Friday guys!


FUNNY

Quick Silver

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome
sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous,
it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales....
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says,

Quick Silver

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED!
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded
by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years
to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Hmmmm...

Quick Silver

Headlines that make you smile!


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Someone called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what
he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to low Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
No comment

************************************************** **********

damuho

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick Silver

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old man, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud .
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs..
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap .

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his
usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Damn... third gay rooster I bought this month.

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with the OLDER GENERATION.
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

jasonw

What is the most sensitive part of your body when you mastur bate?



















Your ears!

Quick Silver

Confession**

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already ..

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is"
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.. That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."

The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.

friendlydacat

Seven Degrees of Blonde Jokes:

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next !'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

Quick Silver

I am older and wiser

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her
feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious, that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.