Quick Silver

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii ' so I can ride over
anytime I want.'

HOW GOOD IS THIS?

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly
help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that
I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains
when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'


The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Quick Silver

A 6-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in
her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how
come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend..'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting
the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the
backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

Just then, the little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are.

Quick Silver

Thoughts for Today -


Birds of a feather flock together . . . . and then crap on your car..

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in
trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it
spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it. (I'm not there yet)

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your
zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.


Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .

Quick Silver

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!


TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Quick Silver

The 10 Marriage Commandments




Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a
good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.


BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into
the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

Quick Silver

Forgetful

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.
Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.
William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing
his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to
ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never
sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a
letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get
there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Please pay me in advance."

Quick Silver

How Many Wives?

A little boy was attending his first wedding with the family..

After the service, a cousin wondered aloud, "I wonder how many women
can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," volunteered Jenni's boy.

The cousin was amazed that the boy had figured it out so quickly and
asked, "How do you know that for sure?"

"Easy," Jenni's boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, didn't you hear
the preacher say: 'Four for better, four for worse, four richer, and four
poorer,' and that makes sixteen "

Quick Silver

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't
a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until oneday he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting
to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said

'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

Quick Silver

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like Hell,
bound to get there..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

yamez

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs

ewww

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

reminds me not to go on an elevator full of basketball players.