Quick Silver

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all
the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like
this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ' I've got bad news
for you. You've contracted Hong Kong Tong, It's very rare and almost unheard
of here. We know very little about it. '

The man looks a little perplexed and says, ' Well, give me a shot or something and
fix me up, Doc. '

The doctor answers, ' I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to
amputate it. '

The man screams in horror, ' No way! I must have a second opinion! '

The doctor replies, ' Well, go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more
about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and confirms,
' Ah, Yeh, Hong Kong Tong, Vewy weah disease. '

The guy says to the doctor, ' Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we
do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it '
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ' Stupid American doctahs always
want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate! '
' Oh, Thank God! ' responds the man as he relaxes a bit.

' Yes, ' says the Chinese doctor, ' Wait two weeks - fawl off by self '

Quick Silver

Discrimination

A Filipino goes to a Woolworth’s grocery store in Australia .
He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of
cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably
feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to show him his cat
before he could let him have cat food.
The Filipino goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Filipino finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans
of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will
probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to bring and show him
the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Filipino goes home and
returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the
Filipino comes to Woolworth’s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand
in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels something slimy and
immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Filipino, "What the hell!
This is shit, you idiot!"

The Filipino calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"


The moral of the story is: Never mess with Filipinos.

Quick Silver

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Quick Silver

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds
every day.

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?'
I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of a few years, my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned!

Quick Silver

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from
his wife and daughter.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

macr88

Allimport247

at the walmart one, love it!!

Quick Silver

A JOKE FOR EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her
about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's
hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned
good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of
warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied.
'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old
husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought
before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to
say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our
stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,
and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman
who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who
hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the
club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd
you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are
knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese
making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats
put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you
do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

rob-2

USPS has created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enrages the President , who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and the spending of $4.1 million, a special commission presents the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp

Hanzel28

haha good one.