Quick Silver

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to
contain the following three things:

1.) Religion
2.) Sexuality
3.) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

macr88

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'



Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work

today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come work.'



The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really

need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything

better and I go to work.. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You

say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got

nice house'

na3j nitsuj

hahaha!

Quick Silver

Worth seeing twice...

I am still laughing !!!!!
KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

They walk among us.......

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Yes they walk among us... They also drive among us!

Quick Silver

This one is for my friends who are computer literate!



During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Quick Silver

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they
enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth
was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into
the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side.. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the
matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with
the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into
the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain
forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?!

Quick Silver

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo crap . It means someone stole the tent.

Quick Silver

Anna had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Anna, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his
hairy chest.

Anna ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Anna,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you..'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs. Again, Anna ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama,
Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and
he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his
left foot he was missing three toes. When Anna saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

================================================== ====

Quick Silver

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperm can at least enjoy the scenery even if their entry is restricted!


Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married men not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women.

Why is sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again.


Q: What will happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary every day and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why are 90% of girls' left boobs bigger than their right?
A: Because 90% of boys are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR... .. it is SHOWTIME!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise ...
because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

DaPhatty