Quick Silver

I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . . . ...

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change ?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''

Quick Silver

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the
bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are
the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit-bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't
do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those
other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face --
and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit-bull chained
to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,
and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites
and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says,
"Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Quick Silver

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about
enlarging her tiny
breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower,
rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'"

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus,
and in a panic Realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she
didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of
the bus, closed
her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want
bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Oh!
Are you a patient
of Dr. Smith's?"

"Yes I am.. How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Quick Silver

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients
to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered..'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers....Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over..

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong.. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable...

Quick Silver

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the
instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all
through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

rob-2

HAHAHA!

S2KN05

LOL

tkeyyy

haha

Quick Silver

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK .......

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause
of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have
some theories on the matter ....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources
of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts
a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information..
but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to
the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with
your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you
get mad?"

The program was never aired . . . .

Quick Silver

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these
turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,'
the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam...
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow..
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with
what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly...
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.