Quick Silver

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Quick Silver

WHO MY BABY DADDY?

The following are all replies that Cleveland, Ohio women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details;' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Quincy Ave. where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. That would be the daddy.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son's conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.
7... I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my Otis Redding CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at the Art Museum; it really was in the room with the statues of them peoples with they legs cut off .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Hough Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.
And my personal favorite. . .
11.. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Quick Silver

Sweet Tea . . .

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Quick Silver

Super Bowl Tickets
InboxX

Reply |VIC VIOSCA to undisclosed-re.
show details 10:43 PM (7 hours ago)




A Saints Fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest
sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together
since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to
take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."

Quick Silver

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest
and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing,
but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's
gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards.. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid
to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

Quick Silver

Because I AM a Man

Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of holy communion.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only)

__________________________________________________ _______________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too
big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair
is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2010, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men

jdmegtim

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
0AJust say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Quick Silver

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........spank his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Quick Silver

Irish Virginity Test Kit



Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he

could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we

call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red

paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."



Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"



The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,

you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says,

"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her

with the shovel.'

Quick Silver

A woman from Austin, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis, Texas. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall imbedded several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter, and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?' He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from the US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife, and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'