Quick Silver

Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
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(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
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(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That"s what they"re there for
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(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
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(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
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(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Quick Silver

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch"

Quick Silver

Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS





DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Quick Silver

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly .

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. '

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ' Nope, ain ' t Stanley . '


The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he ' s pretty well burnt up .

Roll him over. '

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ' No, it ain ' t Stanley '


The mortician asked, ' How can you tell? '

Gomer said, ' Well, Stanley had two assholes. '

' What? He had two assholes? ' asked the mortician.

' Yup, we never seen ' em, but everybody used to say :

' There ' s Stanley with them two assholes. '

Quick Silver

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

"Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull
they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call
anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity,
and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by
their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are
to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."

Munki

hahahahahah so true

friendlydacat

http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee55/fr...asntchicken.jpg

friendlydacat

CHINESE SICK LEAVE 'I NO COME WORK TODAY'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick .. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no
come work. "

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try
that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I
feel Great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!!!"

Quick Silver

Mexican words of the day:

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My boyfren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju love me and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken Wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey, harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My ugly girlfren fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Bodywash*
I want to go to the club but no bodywash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Quick Silver

Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result
in death.