Official 2010 Joke Board
09-22-2009, 05:35 PM
#151
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World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money
in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money
in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
09-24-2009, 02:19 AM
#152
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http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reaso...ngle-very-funny
^ friend showed that to me
i loled
enjoy.
^ friend showed that to me
i loledenjoy.
10-03-2009, 10:35 PM
#154
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The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
10-03-2009, 10:45 PM
#155
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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United
States Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They
simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol...
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
10-03-2009, 11:39 PM
#156
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10-03-2009, 11:59 PM
#157
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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him,
smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name,"
he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact
I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.
Therefore, I chose Carmen.
What's your name?"
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf"
spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him,
smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name,"
he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact
I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.
Therefore, I chose Carmen.
What's your name?"
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf"
10-11-2009, 06:36 PM
#158
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
him that his son is alive, but was born without a torso, arms or legs.
He is just a head! Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to
a bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest,
strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously--
and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief--the boy takes
his first manly sip of alcohol.
Boing! A torso pops out! The patrons are dead silent, then burst into whoops of joy.
The father, shocked, prompts his son to take another drink.
The crowd gets in the act, chanting, "Take another drink!"
The bartender is still shaking his head in dismay.
When the boy drinks: Whooosh! Two arms pops out! The patrons go wild. The
father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant,
"Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now though,
the boy is getting tipsy, with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his
drink and chugs the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his two new legs,
stumbles to the left. . .then to the right. . .then, right out the front
door into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father is stricken with grief. The bartender sighs
and says: "He should have quit while he was a head!"
him that his son is alive, but was born without a torso, arms or legs.
He is just a head! Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to
a bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest,
strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously--
and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief--the boy takes
his first manly sip of alcohol.
Boing! A torso pops out! The patrons are dead silent, then burst into whoops of joy.
The father, shocked, prompts his son to take another drink.
The crowd gets in the act, chanting, "Take another drink!"
The bartender is still shaking his head in dismay.
When the boy drinks: Whooosh! Two arms pops out! The patrons go wild. The
father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant,
"Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now though,
the boy is getting tipsy, with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his
drink and chugs the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his two new legs,
stumbles to the left. . .then to the right. . .then, right out the front
door into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father is stricken with grief. The bartender sighs
and says: "He should have quit while he was a head!"
10-21-2009, 02:27 PM
#159
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish......................................49.
* Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic...................................No breasts.
* Average looking.....................Moooo.
* Beautiful.................................Patholog ical liar.
* Emotionally Secure................On medication.
* Feminist..................................Fat..
* Free Spirit...............................Junkie.
* Friendship first............ ..........Former Slut.
* New-Age................................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned........................No Blow .Jobs
* Open-minded.........................Desperate.
* Outgoing................................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional...........................Witch.
* Voluptuous............................Very fat.
* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate....................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes..........................................No
* No..........................................Yes
* Maybe.....................................No
* We need..................................I want
* I am sorry...............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk......................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead........................You better not
* Do what you want..................You'll pay for this later
* I'm not upset...........................Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're attentive tonight..........Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry............................I am hungry
* I am sleepy.............................I am sleepy
* I am tired................................I am tired
* Nice dress...............................Nice cleavage!
* I love you...............................Let's have sex now
* I am bored..............................Do you want to have.sex?
* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex.with you..
* Can I call you sometime?.............I'd like to have sex.with.you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit ...........I'm gay~
* 40-ish......................................49.
* Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic...................................No breasts.
* Average looking.....................Moooo.
* Beautiful.................................Patholog ical liar.
* Emotionally Secure................On medication.
* Feminist..................................Fat..
* Free Spirit...............................Junkie.
* Friendship first............ ..........Former Slut.
* New-Age................................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned........................No Blow .Jobs
* Open-minded.........................Desperate.
* Outgoing................................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional...........................Witch.
* Voluptuous............................Very fat.
* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate....................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes..........................................No
* No..........................................Yes
* Maybe.....................................No
* We need..................................I want
* I am sorry...............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk......................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead........................You better not
* Do what you want..................You'll pay for this later
* I'm not upset...........................Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're attentive tonight..........Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry............................I am hungry
* I am sleepy.............................I am sleepy
* I am tired................................I am tired
* Nice dress...............................Nice cleavage!
* I love you...............................Let's have sex now
* I am bored..............................Do you want to have.sex?
* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex.with you..
* Can I call you sometime?.............I'd like to have sex.with.you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit ...........I'm gay~
10-21-2009, 03:59 PM
#160
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'Holy Prostitutes'
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when
he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second
thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
Passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another
sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when
he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second
thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
Passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another
sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.