Official 2010 Joke Board
08-19-2009, 09:38 PM
#141
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[SIZE=7]A young guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took
himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fianc
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took
himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fianc
08-20-2009, 10:06 PM
#142
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Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package and the idea of socialized medicine plus Medicare reform....
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!
08-31-2009, 09:30 PM
#143
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How To Use A Bottle of Merlot On Gold Diggers
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
Attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."
And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
Man , then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who
Was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and
Conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have
a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche
Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Italy,
South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There is over one
hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.
Just send the bottle back."
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
Attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."
And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
Man , then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who
Was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and
Conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have
a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche
Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Italy,
South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There is over one
hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.
Just send the bottle back."
09-03-2009, 02:24 PM
#144
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Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************************************************** **********************
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************************************************** **********************
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************************************************** **********************
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.
************************************************** **********************
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it...
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************************************************** **********************
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
************************************************** **********************
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
************************************************** **********************
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************************************************** **********************
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************************************************** **********************
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************************************************** **********************
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.
************************************************** **********************
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it...
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************************************************** **********************
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
************************************************** **********************
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
************************************************** **********************
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice
09-17-2009, 12:37 PM
#145
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Worth posting it againg...
Bracelet at Tiffany's
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Bracelet at Tiffany's
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
09-17-2009, 12:49 PM
#146
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This is fun from dear old blighty(England)
Don't know how true this all is but it makes a good read.
Improve your general knowledge
[COLOR=purple][SIZE=7]There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which use to have gallows adjacent.
Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like one LAST DRINK.
If he said YES it was referred to as
Don't know how true this all is but it makes a good read.
Improve your general knowledge
[COLOR=purple][SIZE=7]There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which use to have gallows adjacent.
Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like one LAST DRINK.
If he said YES it was referred to as
09-17-2009, 01:30 PM
#147
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So a lady walks into the office of a plastic surgeon asking to get a face-lift. The doctor told her that they have this new procedure where they install a small knob on the top of her head and when she feels she needs to get the skin on her face to get tightened, all she has to do is turn the knob. She goes, "YES! I want that!" and get the procedure done.
Several years pass and she does a turn of the knob every now and then until the point where she got two bags underneath her eyes that she could not get rid of. She goes into the doctor and asks what the problem was. The doctor goes, "WHOA!! YOU'VE BEEN TURNING THAT KNOW WAYYYY TOO OFTEN! Those BAGS underneath your eyes are your breasts!"
Then she goes, "...well I guess that explains the goatee!"
Several years pass and she does a turn of the knob every now and then until the point where she got two bags underneath her eyes that she could not get rid of. She goes into the doctor and asks what the problem was. The doctor goes, "WHOA!! YOU'VE BEEN TURNING THAT KNOW WAYYYY TOO OFTEN! Those BAGS underneath your eyes are your breasts!"
Then she goes, "...well I guess that explains the goatee!"
09-17-2009, 01:32 PM
#148
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Two Women Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!
09-17-2009, 07:09 PM
#149
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big,
green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis
over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big,
green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis
over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
09-17-2009, 07:31 PM
#150
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Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catches crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catches crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*