JOKE OF THE DAY !
07-25-2005, 02:46 PM
#21
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request
is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of
the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." The
man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and
how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want
two lanes or four on that bridge?"
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request
is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of
the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." The
man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and
how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want
two lanes or four on that bridge?"
07-25-2005, 02:48 PM
#22
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Chocolate Joke...
It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a
River cruise. They met on the Top Deck. It was After Eight. She was from
Quality Street; he was an Old Jamaican. They walked hand in
hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.
They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she
had a Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said
"Sure...Take 5 ". They Decided to leave as the music was too
loud, & neither of them liked M&M.
On the way out he bought her some Roses. She said they were her
Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red
Ferrero. He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he
was a Smartie.
She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to
Polly
Waffle on. He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said
if you play your cards right you might get lucky after tea. He
replied,
After Dinner?.. Mint!".
At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe! He asked her name.
"Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm the one
with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars. They
felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely
melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a
King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.
They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't
long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt
her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & Nuts, but then
she said "Stop!". He though she was a Malteaser, but he still
wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly.
Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she
let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He thought this was
fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic
Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he
finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but
he needed to take Time Out. However he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet and
gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled over for
a Flake.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,
Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out
Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!.
It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a
River cruise. They met on the Top Deck. It was After Eight. She was from
Quality Street; he was an Old Jamaican. They walked hand in
hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.
They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she
had a Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said
"Sure...Take 5 ". They Decided to leave as the music was too
loud, & neither of them liked M&M.
On the way out he bought her some Roses. She said they were her
Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red
Ferrero. He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he
was a Smartie.
She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to
Polly
Waffle on. He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said
if you play your cards right you might get lucky after tea. He
replied,
After Dinner?.. Mint!".
At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe! He asked her name.
"Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm the one
with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars. They
felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely
melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a
King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.
They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't
long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt
her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & Nuts, but then
she said "Stop!". He though she was a Malteaser, but he still
wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly.
Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she
let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He thought this was
fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic
Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he
finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but
he needed to take Time Out. However he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet and
gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled over for
a Flake.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,
Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out
Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!.
07-26-2005, 02:03 PM
#23
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WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER
Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase .
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase .
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
07-27-2005, 08:45 AM
#24
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A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".
07-27-2005, 02:47 PM
#25
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For all you cricket fans out there !
Best Sledges of all time !
1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh
welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife &
my kids?"
2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket,
Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate
him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo
Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?"
Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your wife, she throws me a
biscuit"
4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes during 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith
after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he
smacked him to theboundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king
bat & you can't f**king bowl."
5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad during 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv
a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets
please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richardsuring a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In
my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he
announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k *ff."
7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a
runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You
don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"
8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted
by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you
doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO :
"Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"
9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste
like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll F*ing
rip your F*fing throat out."
10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes
to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you
from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king
useless now".
Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going
out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb
c*nt".
11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan
batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to
get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a
Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't
want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a
single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll
break your f***ing head"
Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the
f***ing 12th man"
13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a
couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am
I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first
slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At
the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I
should've kept my legs together, Fred".
"So should your mother" he replied.
Best Sledges of all time !
1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh
welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife &
my kids?"
2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket,
Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate
him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo
Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?"
Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your wife, she throws me a
biscuit"
4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes during 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith
after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he
smacked him to theboundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king
bat & you can't f**king bowl."
5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad during 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv
a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets
please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richardsuring a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In
my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he
announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k *ff."
7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a
runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You
don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"
8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted
by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you
doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO :
"Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"
9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste
like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll F*ing
rip your F*fing throat out."
10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes
to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you
from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king
useless now".
Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going
out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb
c*nt".
11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan
batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to
get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a
Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't
want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a
single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll
break your f***ing head"
Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the
f***ing 12th man"
13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a
couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am
I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first
slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At
the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I
should've kept my legs together, Fred".
"So should your mother" he replied.
...what a good drifter!
08-02-2005, 03:25 AM
#28
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One afternoon at the bank, in a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Well," said the guy. "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."
"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
"Well," said the guy. "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."
"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
